Your Funny Jokes of the week

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. “Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back….” Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?” Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later, St. Peter got a call. “Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.” 

Today’s Funny Sayings

~ When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.

~ If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.

Today’s Stupid Questions:

~ What’s another word for synonym?

~ Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?

Today’s Stand Up Comedy Quote:

~ I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright

~ Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle. — Woody Allen

Today’s Pick Up Lines: (Use at your own risk!)

~ Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

~ Did u get that body at Macdonald’s? Because ?I’m loving it’.

Today’s Puns:

~ He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

~ Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

Today’s Funny Southern Expressions:

~ She is so skinny if she stuck her tongue out she would look like a zipper.

~ She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.

Today’s Jokes

~ Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” the woman replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a fantastic idea!” he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.

“Good,” she replies. “Now, get your own damn blanket!”

~ Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

The Funniest English Idioms

a worm’s eye view
Many have heard the expression a bird’s eye view, but have you ever heard of a worm’s eye view? If you have a worm’s eye view of something, you only understand or know a little bit about it - and, unfortunately, it is usually the worst or least important part!
Example: What does Peter Perfect know about prepositions? He only has a worm’s eye view of English grammar!

a party pooper
A party pooper is someone who (always) ruins the fun.
Example: Frieda said that she can’t come to our ❛80’s Rock Star❜ party. She has to stay home and wash her hair - what a party pooper!

everyone and his brother
The English expression everyone and his brother refers to a very large number of people.
Example: Everyone and his brother was at the stamp collectors’ convention last weekend. I had never seen so many people in my life!

The world is your oyster.
If the world is your oyster, you have the ability to do anything you want or set you mind to do.
Example: The young people of today have so many advantages. The world is their oyster.

The worm has turned.
Here is another ❛worm❜ idiom. The English idiom the worm has turned is used to say that someone who was always weak and did what he was told has now become strong and confident.
Example: It looks like Rinaldo isn’t listening to you anymore. The worm has turned.

to have ants in your pants
If you have ants in your pants, you are not able to sit still because you are excited or worried about something.
Example: The kids found it difficult to sit still and listen to their teacher reading ❛The Stinky Cheese Man: And Other Fairly Stupid Tales❜ again. They had ants in their pants.

to knock your socks off
When someone or something knocks your socks off, he, she or it amazes or impresses you.
Example: Abrar’s version of the Canadian national anthem really knocked our socks off!

top banana
Similar to head honcho, big cheese or big enchilada, the term top banana refers to the leader of a group or organization.
Example: Our principal, Mr. Ted Tutor, is the top banana at our school.