Today’s Funny Sayings
~ When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
~ If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
Today’s Stupid Questions:
~ What’s another word for synonym?
~ Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?
Today’s Stand Up Comedy Quote:
~ I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright
~ Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle. — Woody Allen
Today’s Pick Up Lines: (Use at your own risk!)
~ Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
~ Did u get that body at Macdonald’s? Because ?I’m loving it’.
Today’s Puns:
~ He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.
~ Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
Today’s Funny Southern Expressions:
~ She is so skinny if she stuck her tongue out she would look like a zipper.
~ She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Today’s Jokes
~ Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” the woman replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a fantastic idea!” he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.
“Good,” she replies. “Now, get your own damn blanket!”
~ Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”
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